open letter from someone with bpd

I have only receintly learned of BDP when searching for answers to why my relationship was not able to progress. You juggled everything with such grace, intelligence and humility even as your husband found it harder to keep being the man you knew. Forgot those important facts. She has told me when she gets this sense of impending doom in the past is when she ends up in the hospital, which she has made it over a year with out being hospitalized. Borderlines do not know how to cope with intimacy - it leaves them feeling engulfed. But I would like to point out that I am not (neither are other people with this disorder) hopeless to date. Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your own progress. Also, I was a VERY positive person just a few years agoI was even called a Pollyanna! The intimacy that non-personality-disordered people enjoy is stressful . Everyone is that way for different reasons so how do you know if you deserve for example to write a letter like this to give people around you so they can "understand" and not feel so bad about the whole situation. That with the right kind of help and support you can build a 'life worth living'. Needing Constant Reassurance or Validation "I ask for reassurance because I worry I'm miscommunicating or misinterpreting someone. She blew up, tore into me for a good 30 minutes before breaking up with meshe breaks up every time she gets mad, then acts as though it had never happened a few hours later, or the next day). We were married for 12 years and the relationship was defined by me reassuring her that she was good enough, while she would constantly go through massive unpredictable mood swings. I don't know if I should or should not point out that she has an illness and thus a proclivity to feeling the way she does, without it being my fault. I have found some wonderful resources but they are all for the person affected by the BDP subhuman (heh). I am about to go to my brothers wedding and a ton of my family will be there. I want you to know that despite the poor choices, the exhaustion and what youve seen as laziness, I have loved you through it. I refuse to believe it. Just let her know I sent you, and she'll be happy to point you in the right direction. I am sorry for blaming you. I'm very grateful for his letter, Christine. She remained in a crisis unit for two weeks without any contact. Australia. My name was stated here originally, but due to the fact that all of my personal rights to this story are irrelevant the moment I post this, I have decided not to give it. I am sorry I didn't get help. my life is in shamblesi without her, im just ad much a mess worrying about her, who shes with today tomorrow.. An open letter to family and friends regarding the person they know with Borderline Personality Disorder, Manipulative, attention-seeking, dramatic, broken, crazy. People with BPD have various triggers that can set their symptoms in motion. . They tried me on several meds and hospitalized me when I started burning myself (unknown why) never did that before.but I remember being so angry and did not know why or when it would end. Initially I thought we just fell out of love and she was unable to deal with that reality (like maybe she needed a larger reason like alcoholism or abuse rather than just drifting apart). There were some days I was too depressed to go to school or to study, and there were many times I thought "how can I help others if I'm such a mess?" I know all the theory now. I need frequent reminders of this, because if I dont it feels like I will lose faith in humanity completely, and that will shatter every belief I have ever held dear. I have suffered with BPD since I was 11, I didn't get help until I was 34. People with BPD traits often have "object permanence" issues - "out of sight is out of mind". The stigma. This time tho I just dont know if I can walk in all the pain any longer. It's bloody hard work to change your whole life and how you live it. . I have had to go No Contact because when I do contact him, my addiction to him leaves me suicidal with depression. The disregard/disbelief. I thank higher powers for not leaving life. I suspect that my ex-wife is BPD, but I am at a loss to deal with it because she is completely unaware. We may do very dramatic things, such as harming ourselves in some way (or threatening to do so), going to the hospital, or something similar. . She has been diagnosed, but refuses to even acknowledge that half the time (more than half the time) and I have had to take a zero tolerance for any crap in order to protect my family. Armon, what a kind, loving husband you are. All other programs and services are trademarks of their respective owners. The intensity with which you felt those emotions is probably equivalent to what a person with BPD feels on a regular basis. Sometimes the best thing to do, if you can muster up the strength in all of your frustration and hurt, is to grab us, hug us, and tell us that you love us, care, and are not leaving. I open my doors. I'n sending a hug to you . Sorry it had to take me so long to get it, but better late then never. I love you, baby. Appointments 866.588.2264. You always can block or delete cookies by changing your browser settings and force blocking all cookies on this website. I do love him and I am asking the Lord to help me help him. I am so sorry that you are suffering as a result of your sister's behavior. One moment you might feel as though you love. It's thought. But I want him back. It will take time and a lot of effort. Sometimes we even take on the mannerisms of other people (we are one way at work, another at home, another at church), which is part of how weve gotten our nickname of chameleons. Sure, people act differently at home and at work, but you might not recognize us by the way we behave at work versus at home. It can be really difficult to know how to cope when someone has emotion dysregulation issues and is incredibly emotionally sensitive. He doesn't even understand why he is holding back from me. It's hard not to appear defensive when she is asking for explanations as to why I've done things. Happy for you both. I feel like they deserve better and that I have failed miserably. While this is the basic description for BPD, the complexity of this disorder is extreme. I'm usually pretty good at keeping my head, and not fighting back, whenever she does this. I wish I could get my husband to read this. If you want a copy email me: dutch.christine@gmail.com. Additionally, the structured environment and clear communication skills required in event planning can help individuals with BPD manage their emotions and improve their interpersonal skills. Thanks for commenting. I truly believe that I will never get better, because I am surrounded by negative people with negative feelings toward me that I then reciprocate toward them. If you refuse cookies we will remove all set cookies in our domain. Yes, I know. A normal life can be had. Terms. The emotion can easily become unbearable, which is when the BPD takes control. This situation has been devastating because we were planning to get married and I wanted nothing more than that but her unwillingness to even realize that there could be something and act is what made me left, also because I was already showing signs of burn out such as anxiety, insomnia and depression that led me to my own therapy. Now she teaches DBT, has written several books and has a blog called, Previous post: Finding peace amongst the turmoil, An Open Letter to People who do Not have Borderline Personality Disorder from Those of Us who Do, this blog (Healing from BPD by Debbie Corso), Remind yourself that the persons behavior isnt your fault, Tap into your compassion for the persons suffering while understanding that their behavior is probably an intense reaction to that suffering, Do things to take care of YOU. He told me about the diagnosis of PD but we never discussed it. Your boss is *probably* trying to be supportive and encouraging in whatever way she knows how, but only YOU know what you need in terms of support at any given time. Debbie, Hi Kat thank you so much for sharing. over the years I couldn't figure out why I did the thjngs I did and people dealing with my behaviors would always resort to calling me crazy. You are not the cause of our suffering. You can see glimpses and more and more of who that person really is over time, if you dont give up. Until I got out of all the physc stuff , non groups and started to directly talk or better said listen to those that suffer from BPD I really had no idea. It's only a matter of time before DBT is more readily available and accesible. Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to a dear friend of mine, because I became emotional and said things I never should have. She blames our divorce completely on me, taking no responsibility at all. It's sort of comforting that she said that, because it confirms that I probably finally have the right diagnosis. It is a true fact that the Princess of Wales has reported a borderline personality disorder. I started to believe that. I have read through a lot of your blog and so much of it sounds like me. These episodes can get farther and fewer between, and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of our emotions. Debbie,I just LOVE LOVE LOVE your honesty and compassion. She has latched onto a fiction that I was mentally abusive towards her and refuses to co-parent in the interest of our son. DebbieThis is a beautiful, beautiful letter. The struggle of those with BPD relationally, is rooted in a proverbial no-win situation. a pattern of tumultuous relationships with friends, family and loved ones. Thank you so much for your openess, dedication and help. Doesnt Mean Everything is Your Fault (Gas Lighting, Adult Bullies, and Narcissism). Thank you so much. I am so torn. We can learn how to stop sabotaging our lives and circumstancesand we can learn to behave in ways that are less hurtful and frightening to you. Our brains literally disconnect, and our thoughts go somewhere else, as our brains are trying to protect us from additional emotional trauma. I have never sought treatment (aside from counseling) for my BPD, because mostly group therapy is suggested and the last thing I want to do is talk to a bunch of strangers about my problems . Huge hugs! Listening to your loved one and acknowledging their feelings is one of the best ways to help someone with BPD calm down. I have watched you over the course of our relationship walk over many mountains. We need 2 cookies to store this setting. I'd at least come to an understanding of what it is, how it works, what it does before she did. I just completed my first year, and everything wasn't as perfect as I hoped it would be. About 1.7% of American adults have BPD in any given year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. I believe we could work at our enmeshment together and make this work. Boredom is often dangerous for us, as it can lead to the feelings of emptiness. But one didas did my therapist. My hope is that you will gain new insight into your loved ones condition and grow in compassion and understand for both your loved one AND yourself, as this is not an easy road. Check to enable permanent hiding of message bar and refuse all cookies if you do not opt in. I am co-dependent, which I regard as simply the other side of the coin. Hope can be returned. Also, I am very grateful FOR my boyfriend and your article. My voice of reason. The mind is very complex. Im still scared youll meet someone now who will offer you and the children everything I cant. Thank you so much for posting this. My kneejerk concern about the situation sometimes is rejection, but I try to put the feelings she is going through in perspective and just wait. "People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90% of their bodies. The following cookies are also needed - You can choose if you want to allow them: You can read about our cookies and privacy settings in detail on our Privacy Policy Page. I wish you peace. I admire all of you, everyone of you, that can speak out! I am the same as you. I am sorry you didn't have a happy childhood. Email: bpdfamilyconnections@gmail.com. We cant imagine how helpless you must feel to witness this. I also see your side and know you must have been through alot with her and you have to protect yourself and your family. I suffered massive trauma throughout my life but particularly when i was 16 years old. How can I stay and support them, but protect myself as well?' The roots of abuse in BPD, particularly in intimate significant other relationships with Non-Borderlines have their genesis in the borderline's re-living of this deep intra-psychic pain. Take care allTim. She spent years in a mental hospital when she was younger now look at all of the people she's helped and continues to help. My heart breaks each time. Debbie, Hi Anne thank you for commenting. My ex is a very convincing and extremely intelligent person. Of course all of this makes me wonder..maybe i'm just lazy or _____ whatever.and then some family members think I *want* to be depressed or anxious or whatever (they think the origin was my mother's death, 20 yrs ago, but I was depressed before that and have told them). Refresh the page, check Medium 's. You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you, switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a dime, and we may even straight up blame you. What the person with borderline personality disorder will do is they will make the five calls and immediately attempt a sixth." . I figured it out, but only through trial, error, therapy, a good online support group and a lot of introspection and self-care on my part. Win a copy of my new book, Stronger Than BPD! Currently, my BPD symptoms are worsening. Marsha Linehan, the founder of DBT, recently disclosed that she had BPD!!! The content of this website is not a substitute for independent professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. and I guess I thought tough love would maybe get through to her, but it's been 3 and 1/2 years since I have seen or talked to her or my grandchildren. Yes, I live in my fathers house, but we barely speak, and I harbor so my anger toward him that sometimes I cant talk to him because I dont know what awful words could come out of my mouth. Thanks for giving others hope by being a partner who is interested in learning more about his girlfriend's condition, and please also be sure to use very good self-care and seek support for YOU, too. 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